I'm told all the greatest writers have written all their lives. I have, but I'm not so arrogant as to call myself "great". I'm good, though, even if I don't know the subject matter, I research it to make certain what I'm writing is exactly what it ought to be.
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I%u2019m a fat man with a jelly roll, a veteran role-player, and hunky star of stage and screen all rolled into one. Or, to paraphrase Jack Nicholson, %u201CI%u2019ve got two outta three, and that ain%u2019t bad!%u201D I%u2019ve got a beautiful wife, three rapscallions, and billions of bacteria %u2013 together we make one big, happy family! A Photoshop Junkie, MMO gamer, and tennis ball-wielding super-spy, I spend my days on a balcony overlooking the Danube, playing Death Metal%u2019s Greatest Hits on my clarinet. I don%u2019t pretend to know the meaning of life, but I know the meaning of %u201Csesquipidalian%u201D, and that makes me feel all special inside, because if you can%u2019t beat them with brilliance, baffle them with a hyperstream of post-linguistic constructs sententially arranged so as to metaphorically and allegorically mimic the gastrointestinal effluvia of a bovine quadraped.
I am the son of parents who don%u2019t know they are great, father to three who will change the world. I am husband to the most wonderful woman, and friend to men and women of honor and faith. I trust God, and yet I falter. I read, I write, I draw (though I never said I was any good). I think and I know, and sometimes I actually think I know.
There are conflicting reports about this Simon persona, and I%u2019m not really here to diffuse any of them. The truth is out there %u2013 or in there, as the case may be %u2013 but it isn%u2019t always quite as evident as everyone would...
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